Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

jamiel85 · Post by **jamiel85** » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:40 pm

Hi All,

Looking for some tips or guidance from those who have already experienced it.

Sorry this is a bit long winded and probably too much detail but here we go...

I've had a sneaker fetish since a young age. I know where it first stemmed from. I would assume it was the very start of puberty, for reasons i do not to this day know i took my sneaker and masturbated with it. From that point onwards ive had a sneaker fetish.

My wife does not know about my fetish as I've always been petrified of what might happen or what she may think when i tell her (unless shes cottoned on to the fact that several times i bought her sneakers as presents and just not said anything).

We have been trying to fall pregnant for nearly 2 years with no success. For a while I've been having trouble keeping hard when i know it's the "right time of the month". Performance anxiety is actually quite common for men when the pressure to conceive is on. Spontaneous and drunk sex is fine so i know its not a physical or attraction issue.

This might seem greedy, but im thinking if i could break my fetish to her and if she's accepting of it and indulges it by wearing sneakers during sex maybe that would be enough to divert my mind away from the paranoia which causes my issues.

Aside from that i feel guilty for hiding this from her for 13 years.

Any help from people who have revealed their fetish, how and what the reaction was would be great (particularly if it was after a long time of dating).

PS - Whilst ive never posted much on here i just want to thank everyone for all their contributions to the forum

shoez4u · Post by **shoez4u** » Thu Jan 11, 2018 5:50 pm

It was fairly easy for me. I've had two women basically pry my fetishes out of me, they just wanted to know and they were totally cool with it (for the most part). Also was revealed fairly early in the relationship. It all depends on how much you know your partner. Does she have lots of kinks in the bedroom? Do you think she would be fine with it?

But, I do have a warning since it happened on both relationships. While they were absolutely fine with the fetish, it did get to the point where concerns were raised I needed the shoes to enjoy sex and/or I was enjoying the person that previously worn them (which was not the case). Then again, the last one is only if you are involving shoes that were worn by others. Just be careful on that note but on the plus side, some extra spice in the bedroom would be amazing for both of you! Who knows, she might be hiding something too

Plum76 · Post by **Plum76** » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:10 pm

My advice is to tell her. Maybe bring it when are both drinking. But don't make it all about the shoes every time you have sex. I've made that mistake in the past. I agree with shoez4u, she might have a fetish you don't know about. My girl now knows about my fetish, and every once in awhile she just surprises me with it. Good luck man I hope it works out for you.

jamiel85 · Post by **jamiel85** » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:31 pm

Thanks guys!

I've made up my mind that i want to share but still nervous as hell about what the reaction might be. I know her well enough to the point that i "think" she would be fine with it but you can never be certain.

I agree with you both that it cant be made to look like its all about the shoes.

You're quite right there may be a fetish there that she has which i don't know about but neither of us had other sexual partners - we met when we were 16 & 18.

shoes4u i think that the main reason i never mentioned it before is that she is pretty vanilla in the bedroom. Although she did buy a whip which shes never used so there may be a hidden kinky side. She is the more dominating person in the relationship so it's quite possible it could open up tp some other fetishes from her side.

Regarding other people's shoes i dont think that it would be an issue. I do have some womens shoes in a secret collection off ebay etc but i would only ever get her to wear ones which shes owned from new.

She has some really hot Asics Kayano 21s which i got her. It wpuld be great if she wore those - only ever worn once whilst skydiving. I think she's the kind of person who if she was ok with it would only use new shoes which were not well worn, dirty etc and i could see them becoming sex only shoes.

Thinking about it now, it might not be such a huge thing for her to take in as whilst never beem discussed properly, she does know that i have a foot fetish and basically the sneakers is pretty much and extension of that.

Tha ks

Net King · Post by **Net King** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:12 am

I cannot really add to comments made (despite being in a similar situation - when young I rubbed my dick with a gummy herringbone sneaker sole) but in the circumstances would it be worthwhile seeking professional advice as to how to proceed rather than risk blowing your relationship apart, especially as it has been going for 13 years. Perhaps the professional can suggest how you can improve your psychological attitude during sex without the need to divulge your fetish or can help with breaking the news to your partner.
I have been in two relationships and in both cases my partner knew. The first relationship never got off the ground for various reasons (I was lucky!) and I have been with my current partner for a long time and she is supportive of my fetish - it has assisted greatly that she knew about the situation from the start.

Net King · Post by **Net King** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:16 am

I found this sometime back and it could be useful for reflection. The site (Angelfire) it was on has disappeared but I saved the text:

He Loves My Sneakers!

Submitted by: Lauren
Q - Dear Annabelle,

My boyfriend loves to masturbate with my sneakers.I don't understand his fetish! He gets angry with me when I don't fondle him with my sneakers. I don't like to because I feel he loves my sneakers more than me. Is he normal?

A - Dear Lauren,

Well, you’re right, he DOES love your sneakers more than he loves you. That’s gotta hurt. Without going into great detail, I will tell you that his focus on shoes as a sexual substitute -- that’s the classic definition of ‘fetish’ came from his infancy. Shoes are commonly used by fetishists as symbolic vaginas.

Why does your boyfriend like the symbol as well as -- or better than -- the real thing? That's for a skilled professional to answer. You describe your boyfriend as someone who needs professional help. Truly, this case will need someone who deals with fetishes......... it's no job for a beginner.

He should try to find a therapist with experience treating this particular disorder, someone who will try to resolve the underlying causes, not just the symptoms. (No point in curing his sneaker fetish, only to have it replaced by a pantyhose fetish.)

The good news is that a dedicated, experienced practitioner may well be able to effect a cure. The bad news is that the process may take years rather than months.

Think long and hard about staying with this boyfriend.

Good luck!
- Annabelle

jamiel85 · Post by **jamiel85** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:03 am

Thanks so much for the input. Good to see arguments from both sides. Looks like i have a lot of thinking to do. Will keep you all posted either way!

visitor9000 · Post by **visitor9000** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:55 am

Bit late to respond, but...I remember seeing that text. It was the blog of some crackpot "doctor" who didn't know what they're talking about in regards to shoe fetish. The main point is correct, that it's sometimes perceived as a weird and freaky thing, and it can be a relationship deal-breaker if not handled tactfully. But fetishes aren't mental problems that require going to see a professional therapist about. Not for the vast majority of us, who enjoy our fetish safely and responsibly, and avoid harmful behavior like stealing shoes. That is just social stigma masquerading as pseudoscience. You don't "cure" fetishes by resolving "underlying issues", because they're not a "disorder"...any expert peddling that crap takes Freud way too seriously. But I digress.

For both of the long-term relationships I've been in, shoe fetish was just something that came up naturally over the course of things. I didn't really see a need to lie about it. Partners wanted an explanation for why I bought so many shoes all the time, even if I only wore them once, so I told them. Most people have at least some general familiarity with shoe fetish since it's one of the pretty common fetishes. It's not necessarily important to go into the full scope of how deeply rooted it is in your sexuality...that's an individual decision. But just being known as liking shoes a lot isn't that big a deal. A lot of guys (and girls!) love shoes, whether they have a fetish or not. Once that's established, then you can start talking about incorporating it into the bedroom and stuff. You've already done some of the hardest work by buying sneakers as gifts and not having it questioned as totally weird or inappropriate, so that's a positive sign at least.

One thing I've heard works for others is bringing it up indirectly. For example, it's taken for granted that men find women's lingerie arousing, for obvious reasons.(In fact, sex researchers have found that many men find clothed or partially clothed women more attractive than fully nude ones.) So it's not too difficult to take that concept and then explain that, for you, shoes are kind of like lingerie. Just an article of clothing that's particularly erotic. It's not weird to ask a girl to wear a sexy outfit in bed, and that can just happen to include shoes. It's already relatively understandable if you ask for something inherently sexy like heels. People also commonly wear socks in bed, and sometimes happen to have sex in socks for that reasons, so that's halfway there already. Sneakers are just one level beyond that.

As for the reasoning behind buying shoes from "other women", I just explain that I like buying used items if they're a good deal. If it saves money by getting a gently worn item, that's simply smart shopping. Same as buying a refurbished appliance or whatever. I don't personally care that much about an item's previous owner, since for me, it's more about the actual shoe than the foot that wore it. But it's probably not going to be a big concern unless you're, like, asking sellers to send extra pictures of them modeling the wares. That might not go over well if discovered.

I've had the same experience as others, where disclosing one fetish can lead to others coming up. With my current girlfriend, "do you have any fetishes" was just a random question popped one night while we were drinking. Despite being a professional dominatrix, she's pretty vanilla in the bedroom, but has had many other partners besides me in the past. So she told me about some of the various kinky shit she's seen and been asked to do sometimes. That opened up the space I needed to talk about my shoe fetish, and then everything was out in the open. Shoes are a common topic of discussion now, so I feel free to comment on seeing a nice pair in public, on TV, etc. and we'll sometimes shop for them together. It hasn't been a big deal, since she's seen way, way weirder things. My girlfriend also rather enjoys buying and wearing sexy shoes (for fashion, not fetish), so she can at least understand it from that aspect. She doesn't understand why I like sneakers even more than heels, and probably never will, but that isn't really important if she gets the general concept.

It's been pointed out elsewhere on this forum in other topics asking this same question, but generally, this is one reason it's good to discuss fetishes early on while dating...like others said, it can be hard to break to a longtime partner that you've known forever (and so they also think they know you pretty well - whoops). If it doesn't look like it's going over well, then you have to ask yourself - is my fetish important enough that I'm willing to potentially jeopardize the relationship by pushing for acceptance? That's a very personal decision. But I think since you're trying to have a baby, that indicates a certain level of commitment and bond, so it probably wouldn't be something she'd just walk out over. Who knows, it might even be a useful angle to work. There are all sorts of silly tricks couples use to resolve performance anxiety when they're seriously trying to get pregnant. Perhaps sneakers can be framed in that context to make it more palatable.

At any rate, best of luck to you. We've all been there before.

Net King · Post by **Net King** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:23 pm

visitor9000 has made good comments and this has caused me some regret about my reference to 'Annabelle'. I posted this to help with 'background' rather than 'Annabelle's' advice which I do not agree with. Going to a therapist with the aim of being 'cured' of the fetish would not be an appropriate solution here and anyway would take too long. I wrote an alternate 'response' that I would have given if in Annabelle's shoes which is below. My point with mentioning 'Annabelle' is that a while enjoying fetish is a valid part of a relationship, it must not dominate the relationship. Make sure the genuine love and affection of the relationship is given the dominant role and work on this.

Another thing to try. If thinking about masturbating with that sneaker is a turn-on for you, then privately fantasizing about it while having sex may help.

Another question - does masturbating give you the erection and ejaculation you would hope for when having sex. If not then it may not be a fetish issue anyway and this is where professional assistance (eg a fertility clinic) may help.

Hope this helps.

My 'response' to Lauren's question re 'he loves my sneakers more than me' :

QUOTE
If Lauren was completely put off by this fetish, she would probably have terminated the relationship and that would have been the end of the matter. She seems to find attractive features of this relationship, is uneasy about the fetish and seeks information and advice. The boyfriend is quite open about his fetish, and this honesty has effectively removed some stress from the relationship – he has nothing to hide and Lauren will not be unpleasantly surprised later.

Lauren asks if he is normal. He is not abnormal (excuse the double negative) in that a portion of the population has fetishes and are still able to continue normal relationships. In this modern age it is difficult to say that his behavior is 'perverted'. He is not harming anyone (unless his pre-occupation with his fetish harms workplace and other relationships). The need for therapy seems rather doubtful, especially as it would take a long time and seems uncertain of success. Liberal views on love and marriage relationships embrace the role of fetishes and other 'kinky' practices, and while not too common, the boyfriend's desires are not really out of place in this context.

Lauren probably does not realize it yet, but his fetish could facilitate a good ongoing relationship. Lauren can fulfill his sexual desires with relatively little effort on her part, and if he tires, a new pair of sneakers will help revitalize the relationship. Hence there may be less risk of unfaithfulness. Lauren would in general be in control of the situation and the boyfriend would be slightly subservient – a role he is not likely to object to.

This begs the question of whether he loves Lauren's sneakers more than Lauren. At this stage probably yes. The boyfriend needs to recognize this and make a special effort to enrich the relationship so his love of Lauren's sneakers is an adjunct to the relationship, and not the relationship itself.

UNQUOTE

In this case there is relatively little to lose if the relationship fails - Lauren can make a choice with few consequences either way.

In the current case the relationship is thirteen years old and so the consequences of it breaking are potentially severe. Hence extra care is needed.

5free · Post by **5free** » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:36 pm

My wife and I were in almost the exact situation as you. We've been together since we were 17 and now we're 36. I remember one time, after much prodding, she got me to admit my sneaker fetish when I was 18, but she quickly shot it down and it wasn't really brought up for several years. While our sex life was great, she really liked the conventional bump and grind. Fast forward 10 years when we bought our first apartment. We were on an air mattress in a brand new place and we were going at it. Something came over me and I grabbed her bare feet and she gave me a foot job. Not exactly my thing, but it eventually opened up the conversation to my fetish. She agreed to let me buy her a few pairs of shoes, as long as they never left the apartment and stayed new. Yes, we've had some knock down drag outs indirectly relating to the sneaker thing (I got caught posting pictures and being on sites like this "without telling her!!!"), but she accommodates often these days and we are a couple dozen pairs deep at his point. When I'm ready for something new, she wears an older pair outdoors and enjoys herself. Win/win. I understand that initiating the conversation is difficult, but acting yourself goes a long way. Having said all of that, she will never 100% understand my infatuation with sneakers. But at least we are somewhere near the same page. Hope that helps!

Shoesession

Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

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Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

Re: Breaking Fetish To Your Partner - Advice/Experiences ???

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